Absent of Words
by Julie Ann Pope
Summary: Post episode 3.08 - Sarah's thoughts after her meeting with Bates.


**Author's Note: **I'm sorry, but this had to be written. It was troubling me all night and I was so utterly depressed after watching 3.08 that I needed to get it out. It's usurped my NaNoWriMo time but I don't care, it was worth it. Thanks to Amanda for the fabulous title. **  
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Sarah hastily left the Bates's cottage and paused for breath as soon as she was out of sight. Her heart hammered in her chest and tears flowed freely down her cheeks. There was only one way he could have known, Thomas must have told him out of spite and revenge. She snorted at the thought of Bates and Thomas teaming up together behind her back. After everything they had been through together it was Bates that tore them apart. How ironic! Sarah knew that she wasn't entirely blameless and her victimisation of Thomas these last few months wasn't one of the most sensible things she had done. But he'd flat out refused to help Alfred get on at Downton and after everything she had done for him over the years, she had thought it wasn't too much of a thing to ask. He'd been quite indignant and Sarah had thought that being taken down a peg or two might get him to change his mind. Unfortunately Thomas hadn't taken the hint and her sneaky schemes became more and more elaborate as time went on. Then Jimmy came along. What a sap for a lad! But Thomas had become all doe-eyed over him. He'd stopped being careful and had brazenly pursued the boy who, to be fair, had showed no particular interest in him. Sarah thought that the humiliation would have been enough for Thomas to call a ceasefire, offer to concede and help Alfred and then be done with the whole sorry business. Sarah knew that she had been playing a dangerous game, but Thomas had been her _friend_. And now her terrible secret had been divulged so that Bates could hold it over her forevermore. She wasn't sure that she could live with that knowledge. It had been hard enough to live with it herself all these years.

Sarah slowly walked back to the big house and cleaned up her tears as best she could. The memories of that awful, awful day came flooding back and her heart became heavier and heavier as she walked. There was nothing she regretted more in her entire life than what she had done that day with the soap. It was spiteful and unnecessary and a completely instinctual and thoughtless act. And the consequences of that split second act were completely devastating on so many levels.

Sarah's entire being shook with emotion as she tried to persuade Jimmy to drop his complaint about Thomas. She was desperate for him to change his mind, her career depended on it. She had other reasons too, far more complex and personal for Bates to have understood. She suspected that Thomas might have worked it out, but as he hadn't used that against her, perhaps he wasn't so sure. Sarah had always been able to see one step ahead of everyone else; she watched people carefully and closely and found the patterns in their behaviour. If she could work out what made them tick, she could use it to her advantage further down the line. It was a survival technique that she had quickly learned in her youth. Bates siding with Thomas was completely out of left field, something which she couldn't have anticipated in a million years. As Jimmy walked out of the servant's hall Sarah let out a shaky breath. She wanted to give in to the never ending supply of tears that seemed to be coming from deep inside of herself. Had she ever really properly dealt with her guilt over Cora's miscarriage? Oh, she'd nursed her during the Spanish influenza epidemic and willingly put her own life on the line in the process. She'd tried to confess her mistake in order to absolve herself and to somehow get it through to Cora that it hadn't been her fault and that she no longer needed to feel guilty over it herself. If nothing else, Sarah had wanted her to rise up from her sick bed and scream and shout at her for betraying her so callously. Sarah ran her hands through her hair and then cradled her head in them. She couldn't stop the tears and the involuntary shaking and couldn't remember a time when she had been so bloody scared of losing everything.

The worst was yet to come. Sarah had to dress Cora for the cricket match. She could hardly bear to look Her Ladyship in the eye, the affection and trust they had spent the last six years building together after the miscarriage was plain to see and Sarah had been reminded with three little words of how much she didn't deserve any of it. Her hands shook, her heart raced and her throat felt like there was something lodged in it.

"You're quiet this afternoon O'Brien. Is anything the matter?" Cora asked out of genuine concern, of that Sarah was now certain. Six years ago she had been particularly disparaging of the Countess and there was most definitely little warmth between them. All that had changed in the blink of an eye, on Cora's part if not Sarah's. Sarah's feelings for her mistress ran deep and admittedly at the beginning she'd deliberately kept any sort of friendship at arm's length for that very reason. But it had been hard to deny with her head what her heart kept telling her and when she knew that she had been about to be replaced, the hurt was palpable.

"No your Ladyship." Cora turned from her position in front of the mirror and looked at Sarah directly.

"Are you sure? You don't seem yourself today." Sarah felt terrible for evoking such kindness in her mistress, she really didn't deserve it and she was almost tempted to make her understand why.

"I'm fine milady, perhaps maybe a little under the weather."

"Well, why don't you get yourself to bed and rest while everyone is at the cricket match in the village this afternoon? I'll have a word with Carson and Mrs Hughes so they won't miss you." Sarah could have snorted derisively at that sentiment. She hardly thought Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes would give her absence further consideration, they would probably be relieved! In fact, now that she and Thomas were no longer friends and he was on his way out of Downton forever, Sarah couldn't think of a single person who would miss her if she was also gone. Perhaps now was the time for the truth to come out and for Cora to dismiss her appropriately? But Sarah was a coward and that was the last thing she wanted to happen. Perhaps she could leave Downton in a different way? Sarah didn't ever want to be apart from Cora and she wanted to care for her until the bitter end, after sixteen years who knew the countess better than she? But as Sarah took one look into her mistress's bright blue trusting eyes she knew that she had no right to want that. She barely even deserved to be in the same room as her! There was only really option left available to her now.

"Thank you my lady, I will do that." Cora even reached out and clasped Sarah's bicep in a gesture of comfort and looked at her so sincerely.

"I do hope you feel better after a sleep O'Brien." Sarah averted her gaze and finished fixing Cora's hair in silence. Once she was done she packed away her things and hesitated before she left.

"Milady, can I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes, of course O'Brien."

"Are you happy?"

"What a question to ask!"

"Please, I'd like to know."

"Of course I miss Sybil terribly and not a day goes by when I don't think of her. Especially when I think that little Sybbie and Tom will be gone soon. But yes, I am happy O'Brien, very happy indeed. Thank you for asking, that's awfully sweet of you."

"I'm so very glad to hear that my lady, so very glad." Sarah smiled at Cora sadly and left the room. She practically stumbled into the corridor and down the stairs such was her grief. She made her way to her bedroom as quickly as she could and locked the door behind her. Sarah rested her head against the door frame and sank down onto the cold floor in a fit of tears. She sobbed and sobbed until she was weak and disorientated. She heard the hustle and bustle of everyone preparing to leave for the village before the cars pulled up in the driveway. A gentle knock on her door startled Sarah from her spiralling thoughts.

"Miss O'Brien? Her Ladyship said you were feeling poorly?" Sarah tried her best to sound normal despite the despair threatening to choke her.

"Yes Mrs Hughes, I've taken ter bed fer the afternoon." Sarah called out rather than opening the door. She was not going to let the housekeeper into her room in this state.

"I do hope you feel better soon."

"Thank you." It was a short and courteous exchange, but nothing less than Sarah had come to expect from the housekeeper. Once Sarah was sure that everyone had left, she pulled out her writing table and set to work.

The situation had progressed during the cricket match and Sarah had remained unaware of those developments, perhaps if she had she might have changed her mind? Or perhaps it would have encouraged her further? She hadn't forgotten that she was leaving Alfred to fend for himself, but they didn't enjoy such a familial relationship. He was her nephew and she loved him dearly, but once he had grown into a man she no longer held any influence over him. He seemed more than capable of holding his own and didn't seem particularly fussed about his aunt working with him or not. Even her own family barely tolerated her these days, despite what assistance she gave to them. Logically this was the best solution all round and Sarah steamed ahead before she could change her mind. She was grateful that the last person she had seen was Cora. She would take that image with her, Her Lady, dressed in cream and looking as radiant as ever after she had just gushed about how happy she was. It seemed fitting somehow and Sarah's only regret was that she couldn't confess her sins. Cora deserved to know how truly despicable she had been but it would utterly break her heart in the same breath. Sarah couldn't do that, couldn't bear to see that happen and therefore kept her silence.

Mrs Hughes had been the one to find her. She'd been anxious that Sarah had not arrived at the servant's hall in time for the evening dressing gong and wondered if she was too ill to continue for the rest of the day. The door to Sarah's bedroom had been unlocked and Elsie pushed it open to reveal the horror before her. She didn't scream or shout, just calmly and nervously brought Mr Carson to the room to see for himself. In the end it was handled very discreetly, especially when there were young ladies present who would be rather disturbed to see it with their own eyes. When the official announcement was made in front of all the servants, Bates and Thomas shared an intense look of shock between them. They had never imagined that this would be a consequence of their actions and Bates hadn't really understood just why those three words would have had any significance anyway. Thomas had understood all too well and he ran out to the back yard and threw up. Murmurs arose from the room as the news began to sink in and predictably most of it was unflattering, unkind and downright mean. Daisy was quiet and solemn and when asked by Ivy if she felt sorry for the old hag she became very defensive and stated that no one deserved to be so miserable and alone that they took their own life. Alfred was overlooked in the fuss and excitement and it again it was Mrs Hughes who finally realised his anguish. She opened her arms out to him and held him as he cried.

Sarah had left but a single note that read 'I'm sorry, so very sorry' with no other explanation. Her room had been meticulously cleared and was devoid of anything personal. She had left her savings to Alfred and a jewel that she had once received from Cora was found clasped tightly in her hand. Cora was inconsolable at first; she couldn't fathom what on earth had possessed her dear maid to do such a thing. It was the not knowing that was the worst. She felt terribly bereft and had no one to turn to for support. No one would understand her grief for a maid, certainly not Robert who had wanted to sack her from the outset. Cora spoke to Alfred who seemed just as upset as she was and he had found it too difficult to talk to her. She suspected it had as much to do with who she was as well as his own grief. One afternoon she sought out Thomas, their new under butler, and congratulated him on his promotion. He baulked at her line of questioning and clearly wasn't prepared to talk to her about his deceased friend. It was only after speaking to Robert that she learned they'd recently had a disagreement.

Life went on and over time Cora learned to live with her grief, after all she'd done it before with her father, her unborn son and Sybil. Cora did place a yellow rose was at Sarah's grave at certain times of the year in remembrance of their friendship, It sat quite nicely next to the white ones of peace and forgiveness.


End file.
